Temporary Insanity

I am starting to go a little crazy.  For the past 4 weeks, we have had the kids- 2 boys-ages 10 and 12 almost non-stop.  Yes, it's making me wonder if I'm cut out for full-time motherhood.   And I'm probably not!  GASP!
But, it's too late now.  Ha, ha- joke's on me!  And while I'm on this topic- check out this article about women who opt for an abortion after IVF.  Whoa. No, I'm not at that point.

I guess part of the reason I'm going nuts is that it's summertime- it's hot as hell here in Florida- and I'm used to having my home be my sacred haven which has been replaced by lots of machine gun noises, video game sounds, quite a bit of whining and fighting, and whistling.  Am I doing my best to be a good disciplinarian? Yes.  Have we thought about sending them to camp?  Yes.  And they are going Tues-Thurs.  Are we keeping them busy with activities? Probably not enough.  Do they have friend's houses they can go to?   I guess most of their friends are out-of-town, and this is usually handled by their mom.

On the upside, we have had some bonding moments.  And actually, they seem to behave better for me alone when their Dad is not around.  But I assume that's a short-lived phenomenon.

So, today I feel like I'm doing a good thing and scheduling a massage for myself to calm down and relax.  I go to my studio- the kind of place where they have therapists 'on call'- tell the guy I'm 9 weeks prego, undress, lie on the table, start to relax, and wait.  And I seem to wait for a little longer than usual.  The dude comes back in and tells me that I am going to hate him.  Their studio has a policy of no massages in the first trimester.  He goes on and on explaining and apologizes while he rubs my back (which makes it even worse!).  I tell him I understand and it's ok.  I get re-dressed, re-necklace and ringed, and head out.  They apologize again and I leave.

Where am I going to go?  Hell, I don't know, I guess back home.  So, I do.  Google 'first-trimester' massage, and read some different info.  I call another place and YES, they will take me as a prenatal massage!  Yipee!  I have an appt. for later today.  THANK GOD.  And then after that, we are getting a sitter and going out for dinner.  So, I do have a little relief coming.  And to top that off, I am now sitting in my studio where I do have total peace and quiet.  Gratitude is magic.

I'm sure I'll be able to handle motherhood- with little escape routes built in, for sure.

A little scared...

So yesterday morning I went to the chiropractor.  My mom is a DC, so I have been getting adjustments most of my life.  I've not gone as regularly as I did when I was younger as a personal choice.  I believe in the benefits of chiropractic, but as someone who has been so many times, I don't feel that I need it as much anymore.

That said, my mom urged me to go.  I went without much hesitation... I say much because there is one tool I didn't want him to use on me.  As soon as I entered, I told him of my pregnancy, and he agreed to not use the 'vibracussor' (which usually feels so good, but I feared it might shake peanut loose!)  He did however, do several sacrum adjustments on the drop table.  I didn't stop him because I am so used to letting these chiros do what they need to.  I feel in retrospect like I should've SAID SOMETHING!  I am now fearful that I've done some damage or even stopped the heartbeat!  I know this fear is pretty irrational- since the adjustment wasn't violent or out of the ordinary, but it's still in my head.  So, I'm writing about it to get it OUT of my head and heart.

Next Wednesday is my first appt. with the gyno, so I'm sure there will be another ultrasound to quell my fears.  I HOPE!!!!

Praying for everything to be ok.   Goodness.

153 BPM!

Yes!  I see the peanut!  And I HEARD the heartbeat!  It's so fast!  I'm  just so excited that this is really happening.  It's finally starting to sink in.  I was looking over my journals this morning and reading myself yearning for this moment.  So frustrated with the process, feeling so defeated as the treatments became more and more agressive.  And yes, it was all worth it.  Yes, it is still all worth it.  I mean, this is only the beginning.

A few notes on the first trimester feelings-
I've been quite a bit nauseous of late, but I've stocked up on crystallized ginger, ginger brew, and found an herbal supplement with raspberry leaf and ginger called Morning Ease. Still haven't had my normal energy level, and I'm honestly not sure if some of this is related to the fact that I've done barely any physical exercise for the past 2 and a half months.  Probably, but if this nausea starts to wane, I hope to be a bit more active.  I need to be- especially since I'm going to start teaching yoga once a week next Tuesday!  It's going to be gentle/beginner with a group of women who are either moms-to-be or new moms who are turning their lives around from being homeless.  It's going to be very humbling work.

What else?  I think that's enough for this post.  I hope all of you are well and keeping the faith.  The angels are everywhere and always looking out for us.

Lulu is HOME and I am PREGNANT!

It's a miracle. I heard a little meowing outside my window this morning and I ran around the side of the house and THERE SHE WAS! She had been gone for 10 days. I missed her, but I was starting to get used to the idea of her being gone forever. If I had to sacrifice the cat for being pregnant, well, I guess it was ok. But my heart was sad underneath it all. AND TODAY SHE RETURNED!
I'm starting to let the reality that I'm actually pregnant start to settle in. Got my HCG count today and it's 10,653! Whoa. That's a big number from 510, the first reading. Next week should be my first ultrasound, but we will be away on vacation, so I guess I'll have to wait until week 7. Hope all stays well and all keeps progressing like this. Lately, I'd been seeing 222 everywhere. I checked Doreen Virtue's number meanings and 222 means to "Have Faith. The situation will resolve itself in the best way possible." I have only recently really started to tune into my angels and watch for signs- I definitely see them in the numbers. So, I am having faith. It feels good.

POSITIVE!!

WHEEEEEEEE!!!

HCG 517, Projesterone 116! What do those numbers really mean? I have no idea, but they said they are good. Going back in to make sure they double on Thursday, and again on Monday!
I really can hardly believe this is happening. And I've got a new nickname- Hot Mama. LOVE IT.

In other news- and this is sad-- my kitty has disappeared. I've had her for about 5 years. I've been letting her out (she was mostly an indoor cat) for the past month or so. She's been really good about coming home. But Thursday night, she didn't. I am trying to to get too stressed or sad because I don't want to do anything to ruin this pregnancy. BUT... I am sad. I used to hold her and call her my kitty-baby, until one day I realized that maybe I was not allowing a baby to come because I already had her. Yes, this is how my mind works. So, I thought I should start letting her go outside more- loosen the reigns. And so, I guess that's what happened. She's my first pet- and I love her so. Lulu come HOME!!!

Bittersweet is my feeling.

Unbelievable

I am still kind of not believing what I am seeing on the test result.  I didn't test again this morning- I think that would be overkill.  Just wait until the official results.  I have to say, getting the positive is really helping with my overall mood about the whole thing- I am feeling so much better and focusing more on visualizing about all of this happening smoothly, easily, and trusting my body.

My Circle and Bloom  audio guide has been wonderful.  I listen daily- it's great to have a voice in your ear telling you to relax and know exactly what to say to calm you down.  Check them out!  I am also trying to use positive pregnancy affirmations to myself to keep me going.  All of this is helping tremendously.  Here is a clip of their stuff-

A new and enjoyable way for TTC. Take control of your fertility now. from Circle + Bloom on Vimeo.

So, I'm off go gather supplies for my workshop this upcoming weekend!  Very excited about this.  It's going to be a lot of fun and we have several people signed up.  It's called Body as Art-  a combo of yoga, dance, art, and writing!  We are going to have live drumming too!  SO much fun.  This is the kind of thing I want to be doing full time!  Wheee!

I hope this is real.

I tested this morning.  After reading through quite a few blogs late last night, I thought I could test 9dp3dt.
And wow!  There it is! A BFP!  I have no idea how often people get false positives or false negatives, but this definitely puts me in a better mood.  I just hope and pray it's real!!!

Playing Catchup

I finally started this blog during my two week wait.  I had thought about it for some time, but wasn't sure I wanted to devote an entire blog to this process.  I mean, I have my professional blog that I am not even regular with, so what am I doing starting this one?

Well, I need a place to vent, I guess.  I've been looking at so many of your blogs through CycleSista and it has helped me to know that I am not alone. 

As I said I am in the 2ww- of my 2nd ivf.  The first one didn't even get to the retrieval stage because I 'broke through' the Lupron.  So, here I am- 8 days past day 3 transfer of one 'AA' 8 cell fertilized egg. 

I am waffling so much between trying to stay positive and also not getting too excited for fear of yet another let down.   Previous to this, we tried 2 IUI's both BFN's.  Waaaaaay earlier in the game, I had one early miscarriage- before we even started down this 'infertility' path. 

There is nothing technically wrong with me or my man- just age.  The diagnosis we have is "diminished ovarian reserve with mild male factor".  Such lovely wording.  

So, here I am with my fingers crossed.  Looking for some others to talk to me while we wait.  Leave me a comment and let me know you are out there, girlies.